Day-Dreaming

I enjoy this pain. 

It makes me feel alive. 

I just need shake this off and take it for what it’s worth.

I’ll empty this out like I do with my bottles of wine,

Violently craving some replenishment for my pain. 

My emotions need some time to catch up on all of the internal reminiscing I am having.  It’s not that I feel bad for the way I am.  It’s more like I am trying to comprehend the worthiness of my restoration. 

Some would say I am crazy but it all depends on the guilt that follows.  If the guilt is lacking does it mean I have become numb or that I am fixed in a state of dreaming?  I am dreaming a path that leads nowhere or possibly destruction.  It depends on how you look at it. 

When given the opportunity to fail or be apprehensive about tomorrow, I take my chances.  Don’t try to envelop me with your smiles and fake pretenses.  I can see straight through to the bottom of your disapprovals. 

I am having a hard time believing.  I am having a hard time shining.  I want to take it all back to when I first came to the conclusion that I needed to feel alive again, or for lack of a better word, fearless. 

Don’t pretend you know me. 

Don’t pretend you’ve got something good to show me. 

Don’t try to save me.

Something I wrote on October 30, 2012, but was too afraid to post

Today I write to you, not with words of wisdom or a devotion, but with an anxiety within me.  This anxiety has grown over the past few weeks and to be honest, I can’t put a finger as to where it I coming from.  God has done so much for me and has made Himself known in my life in the most magnificent ways.  But, after all of that, my heart is still hurting.  It’s not a brokenness that can be fixed by any specific words or even by some sort of comforting touch.  I feel as though I have let Satan’s words fill my mind with fear and anxiety.  I know that these things are not from God and that God loves me no matter what, but for some stupid reason I let those lies run me down. 

I’m desperate for more of Him.  What does it even mean to be desperate? Desperate is “feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad that it is impossible to deal with.”  That’s where I’m at.  It sounds so cliché when someone says “I’m desperate for more of God.”  Do they even know that it is feeling and showing hopelessness?  It is hopeless to believe that I, myself, can relieve any of this anxiety within me.  Only Christ can give me the relief I need.

I wanted to be known as that strong woman who stayed firm in her faith and never swayed to the left or the right.  “I want to be known” is where my fault lies.  Who am I actually doing this for?

 I’m afraid I’ve used every excuse in the book, as to why I’m so distant from God, when in all reality it was me that initiated this distance.  I gave in to believing Satan’s words about myself and have allowed myself to not see the light at the end of this tunnel.  I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I do know that I’m stuck and I wanted you all to know that.  I’m not going to pretend that I’ve got it all under control anymore.  I’m tired and weary. 

Cries of My Heart

The Cries of my Heart

I gave in again.

To become something worse than what I’m not.

What can it be that makes me doubt who I really am?

Why do I become addicted to things that I hate?

What am I losing of myself?

Is it the sanctity of my new life?

Do I dare go back or fall asleep to my resurrection?

God, hear the cry of my heart and show Yourself to me.

Is this emptiness that I feel or am I numb to my own destruction?

Am I free or do I even want to be?

I want to taste Your beauty again.

I want to live in Your light again.

I am tired, Lord.

I am tired of running.