Today I write to you, not with words of wisdom or a
devotion, but with an anxiety within me.
This anxiety has grown over the past few weeks and to be honest, I can’t
put a finger as to where it I coming from.
God has done so much for me and has made Himself known in my life in the
most magnificent ways. But, after all of
that, my heart is still hurting. It’s
not a brokenness that can be fixed by any specific words or even by some sort
of comforting touch. I feel as though I
have let Satan’s words fill my mind with fear and anxiety. I know that these things are not from God and
that God loves me no matter what, but for some stupid reason I let those lies
run me down.
I’m desperate for more of Him. What does it even mean to be desperate? Desperate is “feeling,
showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad that it is impossible
to deal with.” That’s where I’m at. It sounds so cliché when someone says “I’m
desperate for more of God.” Do they even
know that it is feeling and showing hopelessness? It is hopeless to believe that I, myself, can
relieve any of this anxiety within me.
Only Christ can give me the relief I need.
I wanted to be known as that strong woman who stayed
firm in her faith and never swayed to the left or the right. “I want to be known” is where my fault
lies. Who am I actually doing this for?
I’m afraid
I’ve used every excuse in the book, as to why I’m so distant from God, when in
all reality it was me that initiated this distance. I gave in to believing Satan’s words about
myself and have allowed myself to not see the light at the end of this
tunnel. I’m not sure where I’m going
with this, but I do know that I’m stuck and I wanted you all to know that. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve got it all
under control anymore. I’m tired and
weary.
