Day-Dreaming

I enjoy this pain. 

It makes me feel alive. 

I just need shake this off and take it for what it’s worth.

I’ll empty this out like I do with my bottles of wine,

Violently craving some replenishment for my pain. 

My emotions need some time to catch up on all of the internal reminiscing I am having.  It’s not that I feel bad for the way I am.  It’s more like I am trying to comprehend the worthiness of my restoration. 

Some would say I am crazy but it all depends on the guilt that follows.  If the guilt is lacking does it mean I have become numb or that I am fixed in a state of dreaming?  I am dreaming a path that leads nowhere or possibly destruction.  It depends on how you look at it. 

When given the opportunity to fail or be apprehensive about tomorrow, I take my chances.  Don’t try to envelop me with your smiles and fake pretenses.  I can see straight through to the bottom of your disapprovals. 

I am having a hard time believing.  I am having a hard time shining.  I want to take it all back to when I first came to the conclusion that I needed to feel alive again, or for lack of a better word, fearless. 

Don’t pretend you know me. 

Don’t pretend you’ve got something good to show me. 

Don’t try to save me.

Something I wrote on October 30, 2012, but was too afraid to post

Today I write to you, not with words of wisdom or a devotion, but with an anxiety within me.  This anxiety has grown over the past few weeks and to be honest, I can’t put a finger as to where it I coming from.  God has done so much for me and has made Himself known in my life in the most magnificent ways.  But, after all of that, my heart is still hurting.  It’s not a brokenness that can be fixed by any specific words or even by some sort of comforting touch.  I feel as though I have let Satan’s words fill my mind with fear and anxiety.  I know that these things are not from God and that God loves me no matter what, but for some stupid reason I let those lies run me down. 

I’m desperate for more of Him.  What does it even mean to be desperate? Desperate is “feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad that it is impossible to deal with.”  That’s where I’m at.  It sounds so cliché when someone says “I’m desperate for more of God.”  Do they even know that it is feeling and showing hopelessness?  It is hopeless to believe that I, myself, can relieve any of this anxiety within me.  Only Christ can give me the relief I need.

I wanted to be known as that strong woman who stayed firm in her faith and never swayed to the left or the right.  “I want to be known” is where my fault lies.  Who am I actually doing this for?

 I’m afraid I’ve used every excuse in the book, as to why I’m so distant from God, when in all reality it was me that initiated this distance.  I gave in to believing Satan’s words about myself and have allowed myself to not see the light at the end of this tunnel.  I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I do know that I’m stuck and I wanted you all to know that.  I’m not going to pretend that I’ve got it all under control anymore.  I’m tired and weary. 

Cries of My Heart

The Cries of my Heart

I gave in again.

To become something worse than what I’m not.

What can it be that makes me doubt who I really am?

Why do I become addicted to things that I hate?

What am I losing of myself?

Is it the sanctity of my new life?

Do I dare go back or fall asleep to my resurrection?

God, hear the cry of my heart and show Yourself to me.

Is this emptiness that I feel or am I numb to my own destruction?

Am I free or do I even want to be?

I want to taste Your beauty again.

I want to live in Your light again.

I am tired, Lord.

I am tired of running.

Empty Traditions

Empty Traditions

I read a few verses in Colossians today in the Message Bible, and boy-oh-boy it sure did have a lot to say to me, directly.  There are too many things in this world that I take for granted, one being my undoubted faith in Christ.  When I start to talk to people that have little faith, it begins to confuse me.  Not that I become doubtful, but confused about myself, rather.  I keep having glimpses of my past that I would really like to forget, but they come at the most opportune time.  I’m either feeling as though I want to go back to my old ways, or questioning why I turned from them to begin with.  I am hesitant as I write these things because I am fearful.  I am fearful of man.  I don’t want to be fearful and I know it is absolutely ridiculous to even take into account what other people think when I write what God is telling me to, but I am human and it just happens. 

I’ve been thinking about my situations for a while and dwelling on them.  I know that is not what God would want me to do at all, but I realize it now that I’ve fallen away from Him.  This is not to say that I’ve gone completely haywire and lost my faith completely, but my faith in Him is being tested.  I can see it perfectly.  And the sad thing is I kind of wished this upon myself.  Now, don’t get the wrong idea.  What I am trying to say is, when you fall on your face it brings you so much closer to Him.  I did not fall on my face on purpose, but I did allow the devil to speak lies into my life, rather than the truth that God says.  This being said, I do not feel as though I am completely back on track with God, but I do feel like I am feeling around for Him in a completely dark room (if that makes any sense).

This morning I read Colossians 2:8-23 in the Message Bible.  I’m not going to post the whole thing but you can go read it here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians%202&version=MSG

The verses are saying that we need to “WATCH OUT”.  What does it mean to “watch out”?  To “watch out” means to ‘be vigilant, be on the lookout or be careful’.

Are we careful with where we go? 

Are we careful with whom we allow in our lives?

Are we careful with the things we watch or listen to?

 Being careful doesn’t mean that we are just “aware” of the harm that it could cause us, but we avoid the potential danger that it might cause to us, physically and mentally.  I can be honest with you I have not been doing this.  I have not been on the “look out” with the decisions I make.  They are sending me down a horrible path and I can see it so clearly.  It’s so easy to step into that direction though, because it’s a comfort.  It may release some tension for a while, but afterward begins a long time of suffering, pain and regret. 

In verse 8b, it says, “They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and empty superstitions of spirit beings.”  The “empty traditions of human beings” is what really hit me right in the gut! 

What are some “empty traditions”?

·         Finding “true love” based on things you’ve read or seen in the movies (girls, don’t lie, you SO do this)

·         Sleeping with your boyfriend/ girlfriend before you get married to “test out” and see if it will work,

·         “Going out” and letting lose because “you worked hard and you deserve it”,

·         Needing more money at your job because you live pay check to pay check and you work hard…

These are just a few of the “empty traditions” that I’ve struggled with.  There are so many more!  But isn’t it true?  Don’t we allow those ideas to spread in our lives and become a huge part of who we are?  There are so many “empty traditions” that we allow in our lives because of the way the human race is.  We fail to see the emptiness it causes because we give it the excuses of “well that’s just the way the world is...”  “That’s just how I was raised….”  “We’re in a different generation now…” 

They are empty, people!  Straight up, empty, nothing good will come from thinking that way!  It only causes destruction and defeat within us.  Why can’t we see this?  Why can’t I see this?  This wonderful author I love, Marion Jordan Ellis says, “It’s not about a set a rules, it’s about a mindset.”  This goes with anything.  If we can’t get into the mindset of understanding that emptiness has surrounded us and chose a different path, then we will continue to be disappointed, fearful, doubtful, anxious, restless, impatient, reckless, impulsive, and irresponsible human beings. 

A Letter from Your First Love

 

A Letter from Your First Love

These are not my words but my Father’s.  We all need to change our dependencies.  We depend on things of this world too much.  What are things of this world, you may ask?  Well, we depend on things like: marriage, children, money, clothes, toys (this can be for little children and/or adults…), family, friends, and even the church, to make us complete.  Why do we think that tangible things can ever be dependable?  When we take something like a family and look at it from the surface, are we really seeing every aspect that makes up a complete whole?  No, because families have issues.  Families make mistakes, families are not God.  What do I mean?  When we depend on someone or something besides God to make us complete or whole, we are robbing ourselves and others of a dependency that was only meant for the One who created us. 

Think about it...  God made you.  He knows everything about you.  Everything you have thought, done or will ever do.  This doesn’t mean that He didn’t give us the free will to choose our own life; it means He sees our future and nothing we do will surprise Him.

It’s hard to imagine right?  It definitely was for me.  But I think that God has infiltrated Himself more into my life than I ever thought was possible.  Believe me, I was not always that girl who let the Lord lead her.  I had to have control of my own life, mostly because I lost control of everything when I was 16 years old.  I looked to anything and everything “in this world” to fill me.  But it never gave me the contentment that I so desired for.  I longed for a relationship with someone that loved me for who I was, who didn’t want me to change a single thing about myself.  I longed for an absolute truth to my questions about who I was, where I was going, what I was doing here.  I believe those are questions that anyone has asked and sought the answers for.  I can’t tell you that my life is perfect, it will never be perfect.  But I can tell you that I got the answers to those questions and the things I longed for, “someone to love me for who I was”.  God, Himself came to me in my despair and lifted me up to solid ground.  I was sinking, and sinking fast.  To this day, I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I am human.  But I choose to live a different life than the one that was leading me nowhere. 

You too, can choose that for yourself.  No one can make you.  Only you can decide to choose Him. 

I pray for each and every one of you today, even if I don’t know who you are, God does.  He loves everything about you.  You are His beloved, His cherished one. 

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

“In that day,” declares the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.” Hosea 2:14-16

Reminiscing on my Childhood

Reminiscing on My Childhood

 

Today I started reading Jeremiah.  I found it very fitting because my favorite verse is in the book of Jeremiah and I knew that there could be some more favorites in it.   I don’t know why, but I started in the second chapter, but God revealed some things to me in reading it.  First of all, Jeremiah is a prophet, which means that God is speaking directly through him.  No, not like a crazy séance in which dead people are speaking through a human, but our Creator, God is telling Jeremiah what to say to the people of Israel.  And right now, WE ARE ISRAEL, people!  We have strayed away from our God, gone into exile and are pushing everything we know about how great He is away from us.  So, we are ISRAEL.  Got it?  Good. 

Jeremiah 2:1-2 (CEV)

“The LORD told me to go to Jerusalem and tell everyone that He had said:

                “When you were my young bride, you loved Me and followed Me through the barren desert.”

Can I just say that, the word of the Lord came to me and He said that this is more real to us then we know?  When we were younger in years, like little children, we loved on our parents.  We were so inspired by them.  They taught us everything we know: how to walk, how to talk, the right things to do and what not to do.  They showed us the way and we earnestly followed them.  But as we grew, we grew further and further away from them.  It starts really young too, like three years old… we want to be independent from them and “do it all by our self!”  Because that means that we are a “big kid” and “grown up”.  Trust me; I am having some major issues with this right now with my little one, who is growing up so fast.  They grow up and try to do it on their own, without our help.  Just like we, as adults do, to our Creator. 

Jeremiah 2:3

“You belonged to me alone, like the first part of the harvest, and I severely punished those who mistreated you.”

In these first verses of chapter 2, it is God reminiscing back to when we were “young children” in our faith.  We followed Him, even through the hard times because He was our “Daddy”.  We knew, without a doubt that He was going to care for us.  We trusted Him and every word He said.  What happened to us?  Why did we grow up and away from our Daddy and try to do life our own way? 

We are doing the same thing Israel did in the Bible.  We are turning our back on God because we don’t get what we want.  Just like when a little child doesn’t get their way, they throw a fit and eventually that fit will turn into a complete abandonment from because we grow up and push the ONE who brought us to life, away.  We are stubborn children, but the One who loves us, will never leave us or forsake us.  It’s so amazing to me to see how God feels through being a parent.  Being a parent is hard and there will be moments of rejection from my child that I am not looking forward to, but I know that God created a parent and child relationship to reflect the same relationship we have with Him.  As we grow in life and faith, we experience God in every area of our lives and that is worth living for.  It’s time to turn back to our Daddy and see Him for what He done for us.  We need to think back into our “childhood” and be thankful for a God who has never abandoned us and never will.  Come back to your Daddy and love on Him the way you did when you were a child.  We’re never too old to be a “Child of Christ” again.

Do You Want Fulfillment?

photo by J. P. Robertson- jprobertson.com.au

Do You Want Fulfillment?

Haggai is one of those books that you don’t really hear too much about.  I think the first time I ever opened up to the book of Haggai was about a month or so ago and it was in a Bible study where my leader said the same thing about it, no one really ever talks about it.  But, today was the perfect day to read it.  It’s two chapters and basically all of those two chapters is the Lord is speaking to the Prophet Haggai, telling him what to say to the Jews.  First of all, the title of the first chapter explains it all: “A Call to Build the House of the Lord.”  He says in verse 5 and 6, “Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways.  You have planted much, but have harvested little.  You eat, but never have enough.  You drink, but never have your fill.  You put on clothes, but are not warm.  You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”  I’m just dumfounded by this.  The first sentence immediately made me think.  Do I give careful thought to my ways?  In the beginning of the first chapter it gives us an overview of what is happening at this time.  After the Jews returned from captivity in Babylon, they were to go and finish building the House of the Lord.  But they got caught up in worldly affairs and neglected the building of God’s House.  They thought that they would be saving time and money by not building the temple yet, but God brought a poverty upon them in such a way that they were not “filled”.

Now, they didn’t say that they weren’t going to build the temple but, “not right now” (I’m paraphrasing of course).  It’s the same way with us!  Man does not say that they won’t repent and restructure their lives, and follow God, but “not right now”.  I’ll tell you this: I went through a period in my life where I did not want to listen to anything that God was telling me.  I shut Him out completely.  I did my own thing and lived life on my own.   I did what I wanted, used my money how I wanted and said, “I’ll deal with that whole God thing later.”  I worked so hard at shutting Him out that when it came down to measuring up everything I had achieved on my own, there was nothing.  I was empty and alone and had nothing left to offer but my broken heart and body.  I had eaten, “but never had enough”.  But God is sooooo good and faithful that He brings us back to where we should have been to begin with, “building His temple.” 

I don’t know where you’re at right now, but I do know that God is calling us to come and work for Him.  It’s about time we lay down our heavy load and come to Him!  His load is easy and burden is light.  Trust me, I know.  I gave it up to Him and now I’m building His house!  The reward for building His House is much, much more rewarding then we could ever imagine. 

The second chapter of Haggai is phenomenal!  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better you read, “Who of you is left who saw this house in its former glory?  How does it look to you now?  Does it not seem to you like nothing?” (Haggai 2:3) Take a look at your old house, and be proud of what you have been made into.  This was something that I really felt the Lord pressing on my heart.  Many times, I beat myself up about my past and the things I did in my dark times, but the Lord says to remember that old self and what it has been made into.  Remember what He changed us from!  Don’t dwell on the past and all of its heartaches, but rather analyze what we once were (a broken, empty house) and what we are now (the Temple of the Lord Almighty!)  We were running rampant and doing what we wanted, which gave us no fulfillment.  Now, we are a new CREATION and we belong to God!  He has made us into something of greater worth!  Do you get that?  “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (1 Corinthians 5:17). 

Once we start working for God and in His house, how could we ever go back to our old, broken house?  There is nothing for us there.  We know there is nothing to gain from this world but the glory of the Lord will reign forever.  I’ll leave you with this: “‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty.  ‘And in this place I will grant peace,’ declares the Lord Almighty.” ( Haggai 2:9)